Whacking Out Ohtori
by JurisAnnarielle
Summary: Just a humorous parody with bad langauge and LOTS of Out of Characterness.
1. Whacking Out Of Ohtori

Whacking Out Ohtori  
By: JurisAnnarielle  


  
Saionji, Miki, and Juri are in the gingerbread dueling area. Miki is banging to Korn on his headphones, while Saionji and Juri duel with salamis. Angelic Creation is playing in the background. Juri is getting the best of Saionji... (which isn't much)  
  
Juri: -has Saionji backed into the corner of the arena, says in a VERY bad French accent ((think of it.... Japanese doing a French accent?? It doesn't work!)) EN GARDE!   
  
Saionji: FUCK OFF! -hits Juri on the head with the stick of Salami-  
  
Juri: FUDGE PACKER!!!!! -pulls her arm back and whaps him in his arm with the salami-  
  
Loudspeaker: We hate to interrupt this dueling song... but would the person who owns a pink Lincoln, license plate kssmiaass move their car! It's in the way of the Cheeto's delivery truck. Thank you!  
  
Saionji: -pauses- What idiot would park their car there?  
  
Juri: (the music starts up again) WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GOD DAMNED MOUTH A FIGHT?!  
  
Saionji: riiight. -lunges at Juri, playing as dirty as ever-  
  
Loudspeaker: We hate to interrupt this song...  
  
Juri: GOD! GO AWAY!! -but stops dueling to listen-  
  
Loudspeaker: but would the person with the bright green Chevy... license plate IMGONRUL please move your car... You are blocking the beer delivery.  
  
Saionji: what a shame.. to block the Beer Delivery.  
  
Miki: -takes his headphones off- WHO'S EVER CAR THAT IS HAS BETTER MOVE IT! I GOT SHORTED ON MY BOOZE LAST WEEK AND I AM NOT GOING TO MISS THEM AGAIN!  
  
Juri: STUFF IT UP YOUR ASS MIKI! (song starts again) COME ON DAISY BOY! FIGHT!  
  
Saionji: DAISY YOURSELF YOU BUTCHY BITCH! -lunges at Juri as she swings her salami hard, causing his wrist to snap back the wrong way- OW!!!!!!!  
  
Juri: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME A BUTCHY BITCH YOU CUNT DOG!  
  
Saionji: -switches hands and TRIES to duel with her again-  
  
Loudspeaker: Sorry to interrupt this song...  
  
Juri: -groans- GOD DAMMIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHIT?! EVERY TIME I TRY TO DUEL!!!!!!!!!  
  
Loudspeaker: Would the person with the ford truck... that has Rainbow Brite painted on the side, license plate BoyWidBo please move your car. You are blocking the school's supply of porn magazines.  
  
Juri: -pales- blocking the porn... You mean I can't get if that son of a bitch doesn't move his pansy truck??  
  
Saionji: -pales as well, sweating, laughs nervously- Rainbow Brite truck? -laughs- Who would own such junk?  
  
Loudspeaker: (Wakaba's voice) SAIONJI, YOU ASSWIPE! MOVE YOUR FUCKIN' TRUCK! I WANT MY Kissers of Tomorrow MAGAZINE NOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
Miki: -looks at Saionji- You own a Rainbow Brite truck?  
  
Saionji: -laughs nervously- ah heh... no... she has me messed up with the wrong person... I'm-  
  
Loudspeaker: (Wakaba's voice) BULL SHIT PANSY! MOVE YOUR CAR OR I WILL MOVE IT FOR YOU! TO THE GAY HOUSE YOU SCREWY FUCK!  
  
Juri: -laughs- Rainbow Brite! You are an idiot for liking Rainbow Brite!  
  
Saionji: -looks at Juri... a little pissed- Look who's talking Brite babe! -points to Juri's shirt which says Rainbow Brite-  
  
Juri: -stops laughing- It's alright for a GIRL to like Rainbow Brite... but NOT a GUY! -pauses and reminded of why he has to move his truck- GO MOVE THAT KIDDY TRUCK OF YOURS! IF I DON'T GET I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!  
  
Miki: Miss Juri... is for the guys... is for the girls.  
  
Juri: I KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT IS! I'M A LESBIAN REMEMBER?! SAIONJI YOU ASS MOVE YOU TRUCK!!!!!  
  
Saionji: What about our duel?  
  
Juri: -brings her arm back once again and swings her salami hard.. knocking Saionji's daisy off of his chest- Our Duel Is Over! MOVE YOU TRUCK!  
  
Saionji: THAT WAS FUCKED!  
  
Juri: YOU'RE GOING TO BE FUCKED IF YOU DON'T MOVE YOUR TRUCK!  
  
Saionji: Then why should I move my truck?  
  
Juri: -screams in frustration and hits Saionji VERY hard on the head-   
  
Saionji: -falls to the floor unconscious-  
  
Juri: DAMMIT! NOW HE CAN'T MOVE HIS GAY TRUCK! -searches Saionji's pockets for his keys- I'll just do it. -finds the keys and walks down the many steps down towards the exit of the dueling arena-  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Utena: -is in the green house cutting all the buds off of the roses- (evil look) If they don't have roses.... then they don't have duels... the one that loses his rose loses the duel... Well no more roses... no more duels! (laughs evilly)  
  
Anthy: -comes into the greenhouse and sees all the rose buds on the floor- So YOU are the reason why we have to result to other flowers during the duels.  
  
Utena: -looks at Anthy shocked- Himemiya?? I wasn't... -pauses- OTHER FLOWERS?!  
  
Anthy: -nods solemnly- Saionji's flower right now.. is a daisy. Juri's is a lily. Miki's is a pansy. -thinks for a moment- Touga's is a _tiger _lily and... I think your's is now a... carnation.  
  
Utena: -giggles- Saionji's a daisy... Miki's a pansy and Touga's a tiger! -laughs- Calling everyone else names... but you seem to think Touga's a   
  
Anthy: I don't think he is a tiger. I think he is a rabbit!  
  
Utena: You think everyone is a rabbit.  
  
Anthy: They are... all the ever want to do is have sex. Doesn't that make them rabbits?  
  
Utena: Rabbits do it for reproductive purposes... I don't think it's just for fun...  
  
Anthy: You seem to know a lot about this Miss Utena.   
  
Utena: -sweatdrops and clips another rose bud- (thinks: If they are using other flowers... what am I supposed to do? Hmm... I know... get WEED KILLER!) -laughs evilly- Hey Himemiya, I am going up to the store. -runs out of the green house to town-  
  
  
Teaser: Is Juri going to get her magazine? Is Utena going to find Weed Killer? Is Miki going to get his booze? And who owns the OTHER two cars? Find out in the next episode!  
  



	2. The Return Of Whacky Weed

The Return of the Wacky Weeds  
By: JurisAnnarielle  


  
(Utena is running around town searching for a store that sells weed killer. Utena stops in front of a store called Weeds Are Us.)  
  
Utena: -looks at the sign questionably- Weeds are us? Does this mean they have Weed Killer? -stands outside of the store staring at the sign as she pounders-  
  
-While Utena pounders Akio walks up the street. A strange looking pipe hangs out of his mouth as he struts closer to Utena, wondering what has her so occupied-  
  
Akio: -stops behind Utena and looks up at the sign- Ah! Weeds Are Us. So Utena... Are you thinking of taking up smoking?  
  
Utena: -looks at Akio with a dreamy state- Smoking?  
  
Akio: -smiles wickedly- Yes. -points to the pipe hanging out of his mouth- Smoking.  
  
Utena: -still dreamy- If you want me to... I will.  
  
Akio: -still smiling, wraps an arm around Utena and leads her into the store-  
  
(Meanwhile... Juri is sitting in the front seat of Saionji's truck. She hasn't moved the truck yet from fear of the decorations that stare back at her from inside the truck.)  
  
Juri: -looks around the interior, looking a little intimidated. She looks up at the ceiling of the truck and her eyes bug out- I didn't know Rainbow Brite put out porno posters. -shakes her head- He is SICK! -puts the key in the ignition- REAL SICK! I mean... Porno posters of Rainbow Brite?! They are FUCKIN KIDS for crying out loud! KIDS! -pauses as she sees a picture on the floor. She picks it up and notices it's a picture of Mitsuru. On the back of the picture is a letter.-  
  
(Mitsuru's voice: (reading the letter) Hey you sexy bitch! Thanks for showing me your moves. You are right... the only reason why I that cow bitch is because I want Touga. God I want his tight as- (ahem) well I think you get the point. But I think I need ONE MORE lesson to make sure I am... Good enough. Meet me in our USUAL spot. Love.. You fuck toy.)  
  
Juri: -looks at the letter in disgust and groans- oh... I am... going to be sick... -turns the key in the ignition- The sooner I move Daisy's truck the sooner my stomach can revolt against the disgusting discoveries of Saionji's secret life. -She slams her foot on the gas petal, swerving as she backs up. She puts the car into drive and moves it out of the way of the Porno delivery-   
  
(Back at the Dueling Arena, Saionji still lies out cold on the ground. No one is around him to hear his useless muttering.)  
  
Saionji: -sucking his thumb and says in a kiddie voice- but mommy... Touga beat me in Pretty Pretty Princess again... I want to be the Princess!  
  
(Miki is jamming to Kid Rock now as he walks down towards the beer truck. He notices that someone HASN'T moved their car yet. The guys of the delivery truck are standing outside of it, smoking their cigars)  
  
Guy 1: I say we screw the school and take the beer with us.  
  
Guy 2: You think so? What about all the students that drink Beer?  
  
Guy 1: THEY ARE FUCKIN' UNDERAGE! SERVES THEM RIGHT! THEY SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING ANYWAY!  
  
Guy 2: You didn't drink while you were underage...?  
  
Guy 1: That's not the fucking point you asshole! The point is... We can have free beer! FREE BEER! We can take it from underneath these wussy boys and prissy girls noses!  
  
Miki: -sees the truck and the two guys arguing (He didn't hear a word they said though) He gets and idea as he pulls his headphones off- If I take the truck... I can have unlimited booze. -smiles evilly as he hops into the truck and notices the keys are STILL in it- The dumb bastards leave the keys in it. What a waste! Anyone could have hijacked my booze!!! -starts the truck up and revs the engine-  
  
Guy 2: FUCKIN' A! THE TRUCK!   
  
Miki: -laughs mechanically as he speeds off with his booze- THAT WILL TEACH YOU SON OF A BITCHES TO SHORT ME ON MY BOOZE!!!!!!   
  
Guy 1: GOD DAMMIT! THIS IS THE TENTH TIME OUR TRUCK HAS BEEN STOLEN!  
  
Guy 2: Well it's YOUR fault!  
  
Guy 1: MY FAULT?!?!  
  
Guy 2: Your fault! You were driving, you fuck! YOU left the keys in it!  
  
Guy 1: ... oh yeah ...  
  
(Both guys just stand there as the the beer truck disappears into the sunset)  
  
(Juri parked Saionji's car and bursts out of it, running for the nearest bathroom. She passes Kozue who is making her way to her green Chevy. License plate IMGONRUL.)  
  
Kozue: -walks over to her car and notices the beer truck is gone, cheers- YES! I STOPPED THE DELIVERY! -laughs loudly- Now Miki can't- (cut off)  
  
Guy 1: (talking into a cell phone) ...like I told you boss. This dude jumped into the truck and took it. Beer and all...  
  
Kozue: -pales- no...  
  
Guy 1: -yells- OF COURSE NOT! IF WE UNLOADED THE BEER THEN THERE WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM! -pauses as a response is shouted back from the other side of the line- THERE WAS A CAR IN THE WAY!  
  
Kozue: -sighs- Miki took the truck again. I can't believe he is having beer withdrawals. So what if is hasn't had a beer since -looks at her watch- 20 minutes ago... He'll live.   
  
Guy 1: -still yelling- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE! I DIDN'T SEE HIM!  
  
Kozue: -gets into her car- Oh well I need to go get some... (looks at the audience) What?? Do you ACTUALLY think I am going after him?? I am NOT missing a good night's rest over him. -speeds away in her car as the guy yells into his phone-  
  
(Juri exits the bathroom, holding her handkerchief to her face. She walks towards her pink Lincoln. License Plate KSSMIAASS)  
  
Juri: -watches as the Cheetos' Delivery truck turns away from the school- Good! There are TOO many obese people in the world. I just saved them... what 1,000 calories? -gets into her car-  
  
Juri: -sighs as she leans against the steering wheel- ahh.... I did my good deeds for the day... I saved the porno and the world from fatty foods. I think I deserve an award. Hello I am coming to get you! -turns her car on and speeds off-  
  
(In a dark secret room somewhere in Ohtori... ((No one knows where though)) Anthy is watering Akio's stash of Weed)  
  
Anthy: Just because I water roses doesn't mean I should take care of his precious If I get caught doing this... I will be taken to jail, they will close the school, and the Ohtori family will have to pay heavy fines. -sighs and stops watering- I should save them. I should make sure that doesn't happen. -pauses and thinks- Screw saving them... I should save myself. I am getting out of here. Let THEM deal with the plants! -lights turn on to reveal a huge room full of potted Weed- No more weeds for me! -leaves the room from an unseen exit-  
  
(Back uptown Utena is standing inside the shop leaning on Akio's arm. Akio, being his evil self takes advantage of Utena in her state of mind ((she is Doped up))  
  
Utena: -doesn't know what she is looking at- No Not More Roses! -grabs a random heavy object and starts smashing what she as roses.  
  
Akio: -grabs the object from her gently, saying in a seductive voice- Now now dear. Those aren't roses... They are shot glasses advocating weed.   
  
Utena: -looks at the glasses through blurry eyes- riiight.... of course they are.   
  
Akio: -laughs at her- I think we should have another, Utena.   
  
Utena: -look at Akio's pipe and smiles brightly- Another Candy bar Please!  
  
Akio: -laughs as he lights up again, putting the pipe to Utena's mouth-  
  
Utena: -takes a drag- that's soooommmmmmmme Candy... YUM!  
  
(On a Rose Pattern wall somewhere in the school, A-ko and B-ko march around holding up signs)  
A-ko: SAVE THE FLOWERS! SAVE THE FLOWERS!  
  
B-ko: -sweatdrops and puts her sign down- Save the flowers??   
  
A-ko: Of course. The heroin is going to infect the flowers.  
  
B-ko: Don't you mean the heroine?  
  
A-ko: No.... Heroin. The President of the Council poisoned the Rose Brides' watering can with Heroin. The flowers will die! -holds her sign up higher and yells- SAVE THE FLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
B-ko: -sweatdrops-  
  
(The Shadow Girls fade from view as the sunsets)  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Teaser: Will Saionji wake up? Where will Miki go with his booze? Will Juri get her ? Will Utena stop her drug habit? Will Anthy stop watering weeds? Stay tuned until next time!  
  



End file.
